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Children
learn about sex
Young children learn information and values about sex from various
sources, including parents. When parents react to sex or sex related
issues in movies, television, the family or the community, their
child will pick up those verbal and nonverbal responses. Think back
to a time when your child may have witnessed you saying something
regarding sex. If your child has ever asked you a question such
as "Where do babies come from?" or "Why do women
get a period?", how did you respond ?
Children
are very aware
By the time children enter school they will have a basic understanding
of your values and beliefs about gender roles, parenting, relationships,
contraception and reproductive anatomy. Adults should be aware they
are teaching their children and passing on values about sex, even
if it is not intentional.
Some parents get anxious
when they find out their child will receive sex education at school,
as if that will be the first time their child will hear about sex.
What messages do you think your child gets from sources such as
TV, movies, music videos, magazines, peers and the internet? You
may want to discuss with your child why they think the media portrays
sex and sexuality the way they do. In spite of the impact the media
may have, you should realize that messages from the media will not
overpower the love, respect and concern you have for your child.
Generating
conversations
Most likely you will have a conversation about sex during your child’s
teen years. This should not be an isolated 10 minute conversation
and should never take the form of a lecture. Don’t wait for
your child to start the conversation. Parents often need to take
the initiative by starting the conversation. Parents should be aware
that throughout their child’s life there are teachable moments.
If something happens in a TV program, you may want to take that
opportunity to start a conversation. It might make the conversation
easier if you discuss a fictitious character before switching the
discussion into real life. Since these conversations don’t
come easily to most, you may want to use humor to release some tension;
however, don’t over do it. One or two humorous comments should
be enough.
During
the conversation
You may wonder why your child is asking certain questions and/or
your child may wonder why you are approaching the issue. To get
your child to open up you should be honest and up front about how
you feel and what you expect from the conversation. Usually, both
parent and child may find themselves nervous, embarrassed and unsure
about where to take the conversation. Many adults fear that talking
about sex will encourage their child to have sex. How do you feel
about talking to your child about sex? Are you embarrassed? Do you
feel insecure because you don’t have all the information? Are
you afraid to hear what your child may ask or say? It’s okay
to be nervous and you may want to say so. Together you’ll get
through it.
Before
responding
It’s important to listen, then figure out how to help your
child before responding. Communication can be very difficult for
adults when talking to teens. Often adults come into the situation
thinking that they are the ones with the information and the youth
needs to sit and listen. You will probably get more out of it if
both of you take time to listen to one another. Make sure you understand
their question and why they are asking it. When you answer, make
it age appropriate. It’s best not to say more than they can
handle. An acceptable reaction would be a somewhat quizzical look
and slight fidgeting. However, if your child looks disgusted or
as if they are about to run out of the room at 100 mph, then you’ve
gone too far. Maintain
the conversation at a comfortable level. It’s important
to help your child feel normal about whatever their situation may
be. Be alert for issues such as body image or sexual abuse. Your
child could be apprehensive about sharing experiences or feelings
if they think you won’t believe them or will blame them.
Also, stay clear from
comparing your child to someone else. These issues are already complicated.
Adding a measuring stick might increase their frustration. Furthermore,
remember your child may experience things at a different rate than
when you were their age, so resist the urge to compare yourself
to him/her.
Responding
Be careful with what you say and how you say it. Sometimes what
we say or believe may be in contradiction with what we do. Be clear
about your message so that it won’t be misinterpreted. It’s
important to look at your own attitude toward sexuality. Are you
creating fear? A frightened child may block out information or will
be secretive because they think you will be upset if you find out.
Ask questions that will generate more than a yes or no answer. The
questions or comments should not take the form of blaming or accusing
because it’s likely your child will shut down. If you do anything
that pushes them away they may be apprehensive about talking in
the future. If you take on an authoritative role and tell your child
"Don’t do such and such" s/he may rebel by doing
such and such. Instead say "I want you to make wise decisions
because I care about what happens to you." If you tell them
what you expect from them without making demands, they might be
more inclined to do what you expect.
Teens
making decisions
Several things can make decision-making difficult for adolescents.
For instance, teens are sensitive to any statements that may be
judgmental. Teens naturally will be rebellious, curious, want independence
and want to fit in with their peers. Teens need to make decisions
about sex when parents are not present so they need to be informed,
have confidence, feel supported, and have good decision-making and
communication skills. They need to be comfortable with their own
sexuality and have their own set of values so they can handle situations
as they arise. If they have friends with similar goals in areas
such as education, sports or music, they can focus their energy
on something constructive as well as fit in with their peers.
How
you can help
The best way to empower someone is to give him/her options. Expect
your child to have views that are different from yours. Providing
guidance while allowing them to make their own decisions can help
them maintain their independence. Show respect by not invading their
privacy. To grow into healthy sexual adults teens need to have confidence,
be in tune with their values, deal with emotions and be able to
build healthy relationships.
If you are having a conversation
because something happened, be aware of your emotions. It may help
to make a distinction between the behavior and the person. If s/he
did something you don’t approve of, discuss it; but don’t
say s/he is a bad, terrible person. It’s important to be supportive
of your child. Parents tend to comment about behavior they disapprove
of, but it’s just as important to praise your child when you
approve of their behavior.
What
to do for yourself
If you need information, you may consider getting a book, actually
two. One for yourself. The other, an age appropriate one for your
child which you should read first and then pass on to them. If there
are two parents they need to confer to ensure that their child is
not getting different messages. This can be difficult on a child.
You can talk to a friend about what you plan to discuss with your
child. Together you can figure out how you think your child will
react. Be clear about what values and messages you want to give
your child.
Questions
to ask yourself:
- During your adolescence
what did you think about sex? How were you educated about sex?
How did you feel about how you learned and the messages you received?
- At your child’s
current age, what does s/he need to know and what is the simplest
way to get that information across? How can you help your child
gain confidence and skills to make wise decisions?
- How do you feel about
messages from the media? What would you want to tell your child
about these messages?
- What resources do
you have for yourself and your child?
A
FEW TIPS ON HOW TO EDUCATE YOUR CHILD/CHILDREN ABOUT ISSUES RELATED
TO SEX:
- Be honest.
- Stay calm.
- Be Patient.
- Be clear
about what you think and how you feel about the issues.
- Take advantage
of situations that can help you start a discussion. These are
known as teachable moments.
- Realize
that discussions need to happen over a period of time.
- Be respectful
of your child’s privacy. Keep the discussions confidential.
- Realize
that the key to effective communication is listening.
- Provide
age appropriate information. Provide enough information. Too much
may leave them confused or overwhelmed.
- Be aware
that your child learns from what they see or hear.
- Create
an environment where your child feels comfortable approaching
you.
- Use specific,
clear terms.
- Don’t
be afraid to show your feelings or express your concerns.
- Express
yourself in a non-threatening and non-judgmental manner.
- Realize
you are not required to have all the facts.
- Understand
that learning about sex doesn’t mean your child will be having
sex. You are not encouraging your child to have sex by talking
about it.
- Be realistic
with your expectations.
- Sharing
your beliefs and values is important but try not to impose them
on your child.
- Discuss
drug and alcohol use with your child. Drugs or alcohol may affect
decision-making.
- As your
child gets older adjust to their needs.
- Remember
you were once a teen.
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